


Just Because

by DisneyOTPFanatic



Series: Philinda Prompts [6]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Philinda - Freeform, Philinda Angst, im sorry i had to do it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:40:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29756976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisneyOTPFanatic/pseuds/DisneyOTPFanatic
Summary: In a slightly alternate universe, Coulson and May get a chance to stop and talk about what happened with her LMD.
Relationships: Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Series: Philinda Prompts [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2047703
Comments: 11
Kudos: 25





	Just Because

**Author's Note:**

> HI! okay so this doesn't mean I've stopped writing Stranded. I promise it's on it's way. But my writer's block is driving me nuts.
> 
> Anyway, I found more of my old fics that never got posted, so here we go! Most of them are already finished so I figured I might as well post them.
> 
> This one doesn't make sense chronologically with th4 show but I really wanted it to happen so yay AU
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> Prompt: Coulson or May admits their feelings for the other but angst ensues

It was the one conversation that everyone seemed to be avoiding. May had been asking questions since they'd escaped the Framework, just out of curiosity, and it wasn't long until she noticed a strange pattern in everyone's responses. A strange and frustrating pattern.

It was common knowledge to anyone who wasn't May that something had happened with Phil and her LMD. Daisy must have been told first, and of course she'd told Jemma, who told Fitz, who told Mack, who told Elena… all of them apparently promising not to tell May. It didn’t even seem like any of them wanted to tell her anyway.

Any time May asked anyone else about what had happened with her LMD, they would give her plenty of details about their little encounters with her, conveniently leaving Coulson out of every story they told. She had questioned them about it, and got similar responses everytime.

Daisy - "He can tell you better than I can."

Jemma - "Oh, I wouldn't know, really… I wasn’t there."

Fitz - "I was a little preoccupied with… Radcliffe and Aida and everything."

Mack - "Whoa, hey I'm not getting in the middle of this."

Elena - "Ask Coulson if you really want to know."

And that was why he was her target. May wanted answers, and she wanted answers now.

Coulson was going through his old files on Radcliffe when she found him in his office. Fury’s Toolbox was open, the holographic files hovering in the air around his head. Since they didn’t have any real use for the old Toolbox information, Coulson used it as more of a storage unit for his own files than anything.

“Tell me what happened with my LMD.” May demanded, leaning against the doorway, her arms crossed as she practically drilled a hole into the back of his head with her eyes.

Coulson swallowed, turning around and waving away a few of the files to give her what he hoped was a convincing smile. May tried not to focus on the fact that the blue from the holograms made his eyes practically sparkle.

“Good afternoon to you too May.” he chuckled, picking up his tablet and bringing up yet another file. “We already told you everything that happened with your LMD. She walked around pretending to be you until we figured out she was a robot.”

“And yet you still haven’t told me exactly how you figured it out.” she sighed, walking towards him and swiping her hand over the holograms to get his attention. "No one has."

"Probably because it isn't important." He muttered softly, his gaze flickering to her face briefly before moving away to the other files around him. "I wouldn't worry about it. What matters now is that you're okay."

"I've been okay for months. Now I want the full story." May huffed, leaning against his desk. "Whatever it is, I can handle it."

"It's not you handling it that's the issue." Coulson mumbled, hoping she didn't overhear. "Just trust me on this, May. We have plenty of other things to be concerned about."

May sighed and rolled her eyes, moving backwards and hoisting herself up onto his desk, leaning back onto her hands as she watched him try to focus on the files he'd pulled up. She knew he wasn't paying any actual attention to them, his stance was too stiff, his movements too calculated as if he were trying to formulate the perfect way to get her to leave.

"You've all been acting like she tried to kill you."

"Which she did." Coulson stated, glancing over his shoulder at her. "And I told you that."

"But there's more to it. I know there is. You're not a good liar, Phil. Not to me."

"Can't you just let it go?" Coulson grunted, his hand dropping to his side in exasperation.

"No, I will not let it go." She sighed, crossing her arms over her chest. "Whatever it was can't possibly be that bad. It's not like you made out with her."

Coulson had never wished that someone would make an unscheduled visit to his office more. His face burned, his throat closed up, and his stomach lurched so hard that he thought he might puke.

"Phil…? You didn't...did you?" May's words were slow and drawn out, her eyes locked on the blush creeping up the back of his neck. Realization hit her hard, and a laugh flew out of her before she could stop it. "You did!"

Coulson spun around, his entire face a lovely shade of red that only made May's laughter even worse. And while he had missed her laughter when she was hidden from him, in this moment it just did not help.

"It was a stressful moment, okay? I acted on impulse!" He walked towards her as he explained, his hands waving around as he tried to sort out how he wanted to put this.

"Is that what exposed her? Her cold robot hands?" May's laughter filled the room. If he hadn't been so embarrassed, Coulson might have laughed along with her. "Or her cold robot lips?"

"They weren't that cold." Coulson muttered, crossing his arms over his chest as well. "In fact I'm sure they were pretty accurate to the real thing. Although I don't know how Radcliffe managed that."

May's laughter finally subsided at that, her cheeks suddenly red from the imagery his words conjured up. She cleared her throat, trying to wipe the image of Coulson kissing her in any capacity out of her head. Although they had kissed plenty of times before during undercover missions, she wasn't able to shake the feeling that the kiss he had experienced with her LMD felt a lot different than that.

"So um...when did this happen exactly?"

"In the Labyrinth." He shrugged, turning away from her to reopen the Toolbox.

"The library where the Koenigs hid the Darkhold?" She raised an eyebrow at his back, watching him bring up files she knew he had already looked at.

"That's the one." He muttered.

May was eerily quiet for a long while, but Coulson didn't need to turn around to know she was still staring at him.

"I don't get it. You were in a library, waiting for one of the Koenigs to bring you the Darkhold, and… you kissed my LMD? Just like that?" She snorted. "What did she do, read you a book?"

"It wasn't so much what she did." he shrugged, glancing over his shoulder to look at her for a second. "I just thought she was you."

"Everyone thought she was me. Nobody else kissed her." She laughed as she ran a hand through her hair, hoping she didn’t sound as desperate for answers as she actually was. “So, Koenig went into the Labyrinth, and…?"

"The book he used to get in was Ulysses."

"Ah." She smirked, watching him walk back towards her, tablet in hand. He leaned against the desk beside her, scrolling through information they both knew he’d already read. "The one you wanted to read in pubs."

"...Exactly." His chuckle was low, amused and a little tender. The fact that the real May remembered something like that made his heart swell just a little bit more. "She said we should go together."

"To Ireland?" May raised an eyebrow, looking over at him. "The fact that she wanted to go should've been your first clue that something was off."

"I guess I was a little suspicious." He laughed softly, tapping the tablet to close the Toolbox. "You’ve never been that open with...whatever this is between us.”

“Neither have you, Phil.” she snorted. “Doesn’t explain how she fooled you.”

He rolled his eyes in response, setting the tablet down and crossing his arms as well. He stared at the screen on the wall in front of them, vaguely recognizing the information that was always displayed there.

“I just thought that maybe you'd changed your mind about us.” he shrugged. “I guess I got caught up in that."

"And what would lead you to believe something like that?" She asked, her voice softening without her realizing it. "Did she… did she say that she changed her mind?"

"She hinted at it." He shrugged. "Everything else seemed like natural progression from there."

May blinked, her brow furrowing as she watched him try not to look at her.

"Okay Phil I know you're not that stupid." She huffed. "We tease and flirt all the time, but how did you not-"

"Because I didn't want to." He interrupted, finally looking at her again. "I wanted to believe you were throwing caution to the wind."

"Phil…"

"We'd been through enough...I thought that maybe we were doing something for ourselves for once." He sighed heavily, walking away from her. "Guess it was only right for all of it to be an act to get the Darkhold."

"Radcliffe said everything my LMD felt was based off of my own emotions." May said quietly. "So whatever she did...it probably wasn't an act. Sure, her end goal was to get the Darkhold but…"

"May, don't."

May was startled by his tone. He sounded almost bitter, and maybe he actually was, if the way he had just walked away from her was any indication. 

"Don't try and tell me that she was being genuine. Because she wasn't." He turned to face her, leaning against the short bookcase in front of the window. “It was all programming.”

"And how do you know that?" She challenged, her face red despite how frustrated she was with him.

"Well for one, you wouldn't have done what she did. That's how I know it was all Radcliffe putting ideas in her head."

"Maybe I wouldn't." She shrugged. "But then again maybe I would. You still haven’t told me everything she did."

"Oh please." He rolled his eyes, leaning back on his hands. "As if you'd suggest making out on a mission."

"What?" May’s eyes widened, her eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

Coulson hesitated, quickly debating on whether or not to keep going… But he couldn’t think of a way to escape this conversation without raising even more questions.

"When we went to pick up L.T Koenig, we were talking about how lucky we both were to still be around after everything we've been through." He swallowed thickly, trying not to glance at her lips like he so often did when they talked. "She suggested we try a different method of celebrating that survival that didn't involve toasts."

May didn't need him to elaborate. She could already imagine the tension in the car, could practically feel the want for something between them. Her LMD was a carbon copy of herself, so it wasn't hard to picture she and Phil alone, without either of them considering the consequences of taking that step forward…

"And then…?"

"Daisy interrupted. I guess I should've noticed something was off then. But, like I said, I didn't want to." his eyes dropped to the floor. "I wanted it to be real, so I went along with it…. Before something else came to take you from me."

May bit her lip, her stomach tightening almost uncomfortably. He was so blatantly honest that it made her lightheaded with indecision. She had come to him demanding answers, and now that she had them… she didn't know what to do.

“Maybe if I hadn’t been so caught up in what I wanted,” his eyes met hers abruptly, sending a startled chill through her when she saw the regret in his eyes. “I would have been able to save you sooner.”

“Phil…” she slid off of his desk, crossing his office to stand in front of him. “You can’t blame yourself for how long Radcliffe and AIDA had me.”

“Yes I can, May.” he sighed heavily, standing up. She didn’t back away or shift to put more space between them, instead deciding to simply stare up into his eyes. He stared right back, his voice soft. “I should have known she wasn’t you. From the very beginning, I should have known. It’s my fault you were there for so long, I’m sorry-”

“Phil.” she placed her hand on his cheek, smiling weakly when he inhaled shakily in response. “You’ve apologized enough.”

“I just… If my feelings hadn’t been in the way...” he sighed, leaning into her touch. “I just can’t help but wonder if I’d figured it out sooner… We would’ve had more time and…”

He was rambling now, his eyes searching hers almost frantically. His gaze kept flickering towards her mouth, and May felt her heart ache in response. She knew what he wanted, and as badly as she wanted to give in and give him what they both craved, she couldn’t. They didn’t have time for this, it wasn’t smart to go after it. There was too much at stake, and she didn’t want to make them even more emotionally vulnerable… Not now, at least.

“Just because we can’t be together doesn’t mean I don't care about you, Coulson.”

She hadn’t even noticed the tears in his eyes until one had already escaped, and she swallowed hard to keep herself from tearing up as well. 

"I know." He smiled sadly at her, unable to force even a halfway genuine smile. His hand came up to toy with her hair, his expression withdrawn and sad.

Normally a confession like that would have him floating on Cloud 9. 

Melinda May had feelings for him. The woman he had been in love with for longer than he could remember wanted him. She wanted him for who he was, despite everything they'd suffered through.

But he couldn't find it in himself to be happy. How could he bask in the glow of knowing something like that when they still could not be together?

Yet this was the kind of heartbreak they had signed up for. They had willingly become agents, knowing they would not have time for falling in love. It was frustrating, so much so that he found himself actually regretting his life choices.

But there was nothing he could do about it now. Nothing he could say or do to change her mind or their situation. 

"I love you too," he swallowed, watching her eyes widen as the words she had been struggling to say for years slipped effortlessly out of his mouth. "But you're right. We can't be together."

May could only stare as he took her hands in his own, raising her knuckles to his lips and leaving a chaste kiss there. 

"Phil… I'm sorry-"

"I have a meeting with the agents still stationed in Vienna." He said softly, looking away from her face as he let her hands go and they dropped back to her sides. "You're...welcome to stay, but if you'd rather go…"

"I've got some training to do with the others." May said in an almost whisper, backing away from him as she tried to ignore the lurching of her stomach and the aching of her heart as she did so. "Have fun delegating."

"Have fun kicking our agents butts." He smiled, but it was an empty smile...the kind of smile she hated seeing on his face.

She turned on her heel and left his office without another word, unable to shake the feeling that she was making an awful mistake. 

She leaned against the wall on the staircase, out of sight from anyone who might be down in the common area.

Her LMD had gone after what she knew they both wanted with abandon, why couldn't she? How did a copy of Melinda May make more progress than the real Melinda May?

She unconsciously found herself touching her lips with her fingers, wishing she could implant the memories from her LMD into her own head. She knew Phil was a good kisser, he had proved that multiple times. But she didn't know what it was like to have him kiss her like that. Without a cover or worrying about who was watching them… just Phil and Melinda pouring out over thirty years of tension into a single kiss.

May sighed heavily, running a hand through her hair before heading down to the gym. This was ridiculous, why was she envying a robot?

**Author's Note:**

> Sowwy ❤


End file.
